Konoha Ninja News
by JFalcon
Summary: Five years after Time Skip the gang is lacking money and decides to throw together a news show, poor Kiba gets to be the anchorman. Shikamaru with weather, Ino with fashion, Lee with sports, and Naruto with an important announcement!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto. No dogs were actually harmed in the making of this story.

**Konoha Ninja News**

_Five years have passed since Naruto returned to Konoha (Time Skip, Naruto 2, whatever name you know it by) the gang still does ninja work, but as it doesnt pay so well many of them have gotten together to form the first televised ninja news network, the Konoha Ninja News, or KNN. This . . . is their epic . . . their legend . . . their three page short story._

"Good afternoon, I'm your ancorman Inuzuka Kiba," Kiba says, below him on a white board his name appears. "With me today, and lovely as ever, Hyuuga Tenten."

Captions appear beneath Tenten, displaying her name on the whiteboard in front of her.

"A pleasure Kiba-kun," She says, the caption beneath her suddenly changes to read 'I pleasure her too' she stares at it and rolls her eyes, "Do we have Shino and his bugs doing captions again?"

"Yeah, ignore him." Kiba says, his caption changes to 'I also pleasure his sister' and his eye twitches.

Tenten sighs and says "Very well. Fashion, what's hot what's not? What kind of weather are we looking at? We'll look into a possible domestic abuse scandle and what restaurants can give you food poisoning just by walking through their doors? Our own Akimichi Chouji has that hot scoop."

"But first a message from our lord Hokage, we now go live to feild reporter Sai, Mr. Sai?"

The scene changes to Sai, dressed in a business suit, he brings the microphone over to Naruto, who is dressed in Hokage robes. "Lord Hokage, you desired to make an anouncment to the people of the village on this your one year aniversary of being apointed?"

"Yes. People of Konoha!" Naruto shouted, he glanced left and right at the two masked elite anbu standing on either side of him, "Neji, Sasuke . . . lay down the beat!"

As the masked Neji and Sasuke begin beat boxing Naruto makes his announcement, "People of Konoha . . . I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other ninjas can't deny, and when I get home I'll get Hinata all alone and then she and I--"

"And I dont think we need to hear any more of that." Kiba's voice sighs, the image continues, a now mute Naruto makes some suggestive sign language and humps the air, "Can we kill video?" Kiba demands, and the scene changes back to himself and a shocked looking Tenten. The caption beneath Kiba now reads 'seriously, his sister is up here with me right now' beneath Tenten you can see 'her husband cant beat to save his life'

Tenten looks annoyed, "I cant believe Neji went along with that. Well anyway we now go live to our weather man, Nara Shikamaru for the the weather . . . Shikamaru?"

The scene changes to Shikamaru laying in a grassy feild fast asleep.

"Shikamaru? Camera crew poke him with a stick!" Kiba's voice is heard but the scene remains on Shikamaru.

Tentaively a stick comes out and jabs Shikamaru on the forehead, he stirrs, looks up at the sky, "there's some clouds." He goes back to sleep.

"Shikamaru, wake up and do your job right! I'll make you sleep on the couch, I swear I will, don't just lay there like that you lazy jerk! Are you going to take your daughter to park like you promised her or not? Well? Answer me! Dont think that just because I'm pregnant again I can't beat the tar out of you!"

Shikamaru gets up and grumbles "troublesome Temari" and sighs, "Partly cloudy, slight chance of rain in the evening, highs in the mid nineties, lows in the mid eighties."

"And your predictions for tomorrow?" Kiba presses.

"I predict a black eye and about a collective ten hours of rough make-up sex. Oh wait, she's pregnant . . . so two hours. Maybe she wont be too rough."

"Dont count on it!" Temari shouts from off screen.

"We meant the weather!" Tenten's voice.

"Oh . . . yeah whatever. Probably gonna rain. Dont go fishing."

"I'll keep that in mind." Kiba sighs as the scene returns to him, his caption is now 'Hana says 'hi''

Kiba sighs, "I'm going to kill your caption bugs, Shino." The captions suddenly scurry off. Kiba nods, "That's better. We now go to our fashion expert Yamanaka Ino . . . Ino?"

The screen cuts to Ino on a cellular phone, "Dont tell me that! Those kunai holsters are five days out of fashion, I will _not_ pay for them--oh no we're rolling?" She stows her cell, "Hi! I'm Yamanaka Ino, what's hot, what's not? If you've got any desire not to be snubbed by the people that matter, you probably want to know! For starters, big foreheads are totally out, so is the color pink. And let's face it, you're ugly Sakura, so there! But what can you do about it? Nothing, because you're just a feild reporter, you haven't got your own segment, so haha! I dont even care if you get Sasuke, because I know--"

"Ino," Kiba sighs, "Are you going to tell us anything about actual fashion?"

Ino sighs. "Fishnets. Fishnets remain grossly popular . . . and I'm told that on a related note the pregnancy rate amongst us Kunoichi is rising, but I blame that on that rotten little brood horse Temari . . . is she really pregnant again? This is like her fifth child and she's only twenty three!"

"It's her second Ino, get over it." Kiba sighs.

"It's not fair!" Ino pouted, "She got her figure back last time, even though I had real strands of her hair for the voodoo doll! She'll probably get it back this time too! But I'd turn into a blimp!"

"Ino if you have a child you'll get your figure back." Kiba sighed.

"You dont know that! I could be fat and ugly for the rest of my life just like Sakura!" Ino screamed, throwing her cell phone at the camera man.

"Sakura hasnt had any children, and she's not fat." Kiba sighed again.

"Oh yeah? Well screw you Inuzuka!" Ino screams and the screen cuts back to Kiba.

He shakes his head and looks at Tenten, "I think there's something wrong with my life."

"Yes . . . well today _is_ turning out to be rather interesting." Tenten admitted. "At least we know Chouji will not be asleep, or PMSing."

The screen cuts to Chouji, who seems to be eating obscene amounts of sushi, "Oh yeah! Keep 'em coming!"

"Chouji!" Kiba barks, "Give us your scoop!"

"Screw that!" Chouji cried, holding a bowl of ice cream close to his heart, "It's _my_ scoop!"

"I mean your news scoop!" Kiba groaned.

"Oh that! Yeah turns out no place is going to give you food poisoning, in fact I highly suggest you go eat at . . . what's this place again? Oh! Iruka's Sushi, which doesnt cause food poisoning even though I would have told you it did befeore I got this card for a lifetime of free sushi."

"Chouji . . ." Kiba blinks.

"Hey, we all gotta die sometime." Chouji says.

Kiba sighs. The caption bugs have returned and they say 'Hana is pregnant, your mom is gonna kill me, think of something or you die too!'

"Do I dare?" He asks.

Tenten frowns and shrugs, "I'll do it."

"Good." Kiba says, he rummages through his desk and pulls out a pistol. He presses it to the side of his head, the screen zooms in on Tenten, there is the sound of a gunshot and something red splatters all over Tenten, she speaks unhindered.

"Now sports with Rock Lee . . . Lee?"

"Heeyah! Most excellent news today! Prize fighter Gai-sensei has defeated his arch rival Hatake Kakashi in honorable combat, their arena, Gai-sensei's living room, their weapons, a rock, a piece of paper, and a scisors!"

"Are you sure it wasnt a game of rock, paper, scisors?" Tenten's voice sounds skeptic.

Lee deflates and begins to weep, "Lied to me again, Gai-sensei!"

"Lee . . . sports?"

"Eh? Oh . . . that green team beat that red team at something, the red cheer leaders went with the green team after the game."

"Uh . . . thank's Lee." Tenten says. She turns to Kiba, who is just off screen. "Feel better?" She asks.

The camera zooms out to include Kiba the many paint balls he's used to shoot a picture of Shino. "Yeah, a bit. Now we go live to feild reporter Haruno Sakura who has the report on the domestic violence scandle that shocked the village . . . Sakura . . . please dont screw this up."

The camera goes to Sakura, "Thank's for the vote of confidence Kiba, and by the way Ino . . . screw you! Now the entire village is shaken as our retired Hokage, Tsunade-sama and her 'assisstant' Shizune finally come into the open about their hush-hush relationship."

"This is a domestic violence case?" Tenten's voice.

"The violence was aimed towards their husbands, Jiraiya and Genma who needed to be taken out of the picture . . . and the pizza guy who heard the confession . . . and the girl scouts who happened to be in the area . . . and the old folks who looked like maybe they were Anbu at some time . . . and that dog that stared at them with cute wide eyes, Tsunade-sama was quoted saying 'had to kill the dog, it knew!' and has been otherwise uninterested in offering comment."

The scene returns to Kiba who is now banging his head on the desk as the credits roll, "Kill me! Kill me! Thank you for that Sakura. Kill me! Kill me!"

Tenten smiles weakly, "Uh . . . well . . . stay tuned for reruns of whatever lame sitcom follows us. Good night Konoha!"

**Good Night!**

**Note:** It really goes without saying that hardly anyone is in character here, but I didnt want to bash anyone, still I think I kind of did. Sorry. I didn't use a single person in this story that I dont really like so the bashing is not malicious, and it's all in good, questionably tasteful humor so don't be hating.


	2. Chapter 2

**Konoha Ninja News**

"This is Inuzuka Kiba, your anchorman, and with me and lovely as always is Hyuuga Tenten."

"A pleasure Kiba . . . a non physical, dont you dare twist that word around on me Shino or Neji will rip your face off pleasure." Tenten said cheerfully.

Her caption changed from her name to "at least I have a personality, and do more than throw stupid knives you bun-headed bimbo!"

Tenten ignored Shino's bugs and said, "Today we have a public appology from our Hokage, even though his new album "Ninja Got Back" is enjoying its fourth week as the number one best selling in the village. We'll find out which teams are favorited to win the Kunai Bowl this year, and find out if the weather will be good for our village picknick, and Ino will come to us live from party central to tell us who's wearing what at the Chuunin exams, in other news I made love to Shino for long time, long . . . time on . . . all fours . . . I--okay who the heck let Shino get to the teleprompter!" Tenten screamed.

Kiba sighed. "Okay, uh today we're happy to announce the return of field reporter Nara Temari, who is with our Hokage right now, for his public apology for his comments of last month."

The screen changes to Temari, she jabs Naruto in the head with her microphone, "Lord Hokage! What do you have to say for yourself?"

Naruto scofs, "I say it was all Sasuke's idea!"

"Bastard!" One of Naruto's masked Anbu guards cried, "Get that microphone away from him, Temari, he's lying!"

"Calm down Sasuke," The other one, Neji said, "And you _were_ the one who came up with the beat."

"You're the one who agreed to _do_ the beat boxing!"

"I didn't think the lyrics would be . . . like that!" Neji said.

"Stirring." Temari sighed.

"Hey Temari, you're skinny, what happened to your baby?" Naruto asked.

"He was born, idiot." Temari scoffed.

"Oh cool! So . . . like . . . we could fool around now if we wanted to, right?" Naruto asked.

Temari stared at him for a long time, then threw her microphone at his head and kicked him in the groin, "You're actually serious! I'm married you bastard! _You're_ married!"

"Cant help it, Hinata won't put out because she says I humilated her and her family name or something like that!"

Sasuke joined in and started stomping on Naruto's chest, "Blame everything on me will you, you spinless jerk!"

"Well you're not married so I figured it was okay!" Naruto groaned under the assault of Temari and Sasuke.

Neji leapt into the air and body slammed Naruto, "This is for making me your body guard when I could be leader of the Anbu or something cool!"

Then Sasuke stopped stomping on the Hokage, "Uh . . . hey Neji, that's right, we're his body guards!"

Neji body slammed Naruto one more time then said, "Yeah but he'll heal up fast."

"Good point!" Sasuke cried and began stomping on Naruto again.

Temari took a break from stomping on Naruto's genitles and recovered her microphone, and turned to the camera, "This is quite happily married feild reporter Nara Temari signing off, with a clearly unrepentent Hokage, and his clearly mistreated body guards."

She throws her microphone at Naruto, hitting him in the face again and goes back to stomping on his unmentionables.

The screen cuts off to Kiba and Tenten, "What a nightmare." Kiba sighs.

"He had it coming." Tenten said matteroffactly.

"Yeah but still, do you have any idea how much my life sucks?"

"Shino, don't!" Tenten cried as the caption bugs beneath Kiba began to scramble to say something.

The little bugs decided not to go through with it.

"Uh . . . well anyway we now go to Sports with Rock Lee! Lee?"

"KEYAH!" Rock Lee cried as the screen switched to him, "A-plus news today sports fans, for it seems that prize fighter Hatake Kakashi has finally been thuroghly defeated, this video footage shows that he was tripped this morning by none other than my own trusty squirrel friend!"

The video shows Kakashi walking and reading a book at the same time, then suddenly a squirrel leaps out and attacks his face, he rolls on the ground screaming and the video cuts out, "Haha! That will show him to defeat Gai sensei!"

The screen is back on Kiba and Tenten. "That wasn't exactly tripping, was it?" Kiba asked. "I mean dude that was more like having a freaking rabid squirrel leap out and start sexually molesting your face!"

"Actually that's exactly what it was." Tenten says. "My gosh. Lee, weren't you supposed to be telling us who'd win the Kunai bowl?"

"No!" Lee shouts from off screen.

Tenten sighs, "Okay, lets go to Shikamaru with the weather."

And the screen cuts to Shikamaru, he's standing in front of a weather map while a little blonde girl runs around waving a little fan. Shikamaru yawns and points to the map, "Here we can see a cloudy front moving in, and it sure does look peaceful. Doesnt look like its wife left their bratty little kid under its care while she interviewed the Hokage, does it?" Suddenly he says "Stop running around!"

The girl freezes and takes up the same pose as Shikamaru. She points up at the map and mimics his lip movements as he continues speaking, "There's a high chance or rain, and a cold front is moving in, and yada yada, does anyone really care?" Shikamaru waved his hand at the camera and his daughter did the same thing, still under his shadow posession Jutsu, "If it makes you guys feel any better boulders will rain down from the sky at about noonish, and expect the world to end no latter than dusk."

Kiba sighed, "Your daughter is cute, Shikamaru. Can she beat you up too?"  
"Shut up Kiba . . . and yes she can, that fan's not just a toy." Shikamaru sighs.

"What's her name?" Tenten asks.

Shikamaru shrugged, "I call her "Troublesome"."

"Of course." Tenten sighs.

"She's so wimpy, and yet I can just see her beating down on you. Like her mother does." Kiba smirked.

"You might not want to make fun of her, or her mother . . . it'll make her mad." Shikamaru warned.

"Yeah right. So where's your son?" Kiba asked.

Shikamaru's face went blank. "Did Temari leave him here with me?"

"Yeah." Kiba says.

Shikamaru swears and runs off screen. The screen cuts back to Kiba and Tenten.

"Father of the year." Kiba smirks.

"Uh, Kiba, Temari took the boy with her." Tenten points out.

"I know. Let's see how long it takes Shikamaru to figure that out . . . genious my eye." Kiba laughs.

Tenten sighs, "In other news the Chuunin exams are behing held. we go live now to fashion expert Ino for the hot and the horrible, what is in and what is out this year?"

The screen cuts to Ino of course who's speaking on her cellular phone agian.

"No silly, of course not. Okay I'll wear the black underwear tonight and you wear the bear suit. Dont be so--oh crap are we rolling?"

"You're live, Ino." Kiba sighs, "And who are you talking to?"

"None of your business!" Ino screams and throws her phone at the camera. There is a loud thunk and then the camera falls over.

"Oh get up!" Ino snapps and her feel walk off screen. The camera man slowly gets back up and begins filming again.

"You there, the ugly kid with the helmet!" Ino cries.

Konohamaru rushes over, "Yeah?"

"You're taking the Chuunin Exams this year, right? So tell me, what purpose does this helmet serve?"  
"What? Well it-"

"Does it protect your head when you run about like a drooling moron and walk into walls?" Ino demanded.

"Well no I-"

"And your clothes, who designed them for you? Your mother? Have you never set foot inside a fashionable store? Come now you're the son of our late third Hokage, you should have enough money to look good!"

"Look lady I-"

"And you! The little dweeb with the snot trailing out of his nose, who sold you those glasses? They should be shot!"

"Sniff"

"Just look at your goggles, they're obnoxious! You know your forehead protector goes on your forehead and in your case it might make you look better than you do with those ugly goggles. Wait what are you doing? What are you doing!" Ino screams as the boy opens his mouth.

"No, don't AAHHH!" Ino screams as the kid eats the dribbling snot from his nose. He sucks it up with a zestful slurp.

Ino falls to the ground and goes into the fetal position for a moment, then recovers, gets up and turns to the third member of Konohamaru's team, "And you! You do realize that your hair is ridiculous right? And didn't you hear me when I said fishnets were in? Of all people I'd expect a girl to know fashion! You _are_ a girl, right? I mean you look kind of "iffy" if you ask me, and-"  
"This really isnt going anywhere is it?" Kiba sighed.

"Shut up Inuzuka!" Ino screamed.

The cameara went back to Kiba and Tenten. Tenten's caption reads "stop ignoring the teleprompter" and Kiba's reads "Shikamaru is pissed"

"Well let's move on to something relevant," Kiba said, "Chouji, how about suggesting a restaurant?"

The camear pans out to include Chouji whose caption reads "he was on the phone with Ino" is sitting down at the desk next to Kiba, "Well while it's not necessarily a restaraunt, Anko's Sweet Land is the best candy shop in town."

"Uh, okay, any particular kind of candy you recomend?" Tenten asked.

"Huh? Oh not really, it all tastes like burnned bacon smothered in cheese."

"That sounds good." Kiba sighed. His caption has changed to "I'm not kidding, Shikamaru is coming for you right now" but he ignores it.

"Why recomend this place if the candy is terrible? They didn't offer you a free lifetime supply like Iruka's Sushi did they?" Tenten askes, her caption now reads "She loves the numbers six and nine" she seems to ignore it for a moment, then suddenly lunges over the desk and begins to swat caption bugs as they scurry about the table fleeing for their lives.

Violent batlte ensues for a while, then the bugs begin to swarm over her while Kiba and Chouji just watch and stare, a giant hand made of bugs flicks her in the forehead, knocking her flat. A caption appears in front of her desk "As much of a pansy as her husband!"

"Uh . . . moving on." Kiba sighs.

"Uh yeah . . . anyway I recomend this place because Mitarashi Anko runs it, and the woman is still wearing as much fishnet as ever. Rumor has it that village perverts Ebisu and Kakashi have to be forcefully ejected from the store by Anbu black ops every evening, super pervert Jiraiya was once also guilty of this charge, however he is still in the hospital since his wife the former Fifth Hokage violently beat him, Anko is quoted as having said "thank heavens, if only Ebisu and Kakashi's wives were lesbians too" unfortunately our sources here at Konoha Ninja News have told us that neither pervert is married, Anko is out of luck."

Kiba shook his head, "Does anyone have some relevant news? Sai? Sakura?"

The screen cuts to a split screen of Sai on the cellular phone and Sakura asleep at a desk.

"The bear costume is so itchy . . . yeah I know I won't be wearing it for very long but still . . . uh just a second baby," He puts a hand over the phone and says with a cheerful smile, "Nothing to report dog face!"

Sakura is fast asleep so Kiba shouts "SAKURA! Anything _good_ to report? Camera, poke her with a stick!"

Sakura's hands are under hr chin holding her up, the poking stick comes out and jabbs her, her hands slip out from under her chin, her head slams down on her desk, "Ugh, uh monkeys!" She screams, then looks around, "Uh . . . no Kiba-kun, I've got nothing."

The screen goes back to Kiba and Tenten, Tenten's caption now says "Hana says she's willing to do the three person thing again tonight" and Kiba's says "Dude, I'd be running if I were you, Shikamaru's taken down the security."

Kiba looks at his caption, "Oh that doesnt sound like him at all, he's too lazy to take a grudge that far."

Then the door bursts open and Shikamaru's daughter comes in, her little fan battle ready.

"Once she gets started, she doesn't stop." Shikamaru shrugged, he's got his hands in his pocket and he looks bored. "Got her mother's temper I guess."

Shino's caption for Kiba translates to "Well if I told you it was the little girl you wouldn't have taken me seriously"

Kiba groans and gets up, but the girl waves her fan and a gust of wind throws Kiba across the room.

Tenten ducks to avoid the flying anchorman, "Uh, this is Hyuuga Tenten signing off, and on a side note I suck hard for money--oh for the love of all things that arent perverted why did I look at the teleprompter again?"

Chouji is chuckling to himself and says "Gee Kiba, looks like Shikamaru's daughter can kick _your_ butt too. So much power for such a little kid."

"I'm not wittle, I'm thwee!" The little girl cries and now Chouji is flying around in the whirlwind too.

"And this is what happens when you let your ninja skills get neglected so you can work for a television news show." Tenten pointed out, and then she got sucked into the whirlwind too, Shikamaru's daughter laughing maniacally.

"Uh, okay maybe that's enough," Shikamaru says, putting a hand on the girl's shoulder, but she grabbs his hand and hurls him into the whirlwind too, he just shouts "Troubleome child!" as he gets knocked into Chouji and now all four adults are flying around, "Only her mother can stop her now."

Kiba grabs onto his desk long enough to say "Th-this is Inuzuka Kiba signing off, good night Konoha, enjoy the reruns of the lame soap opera that follow us! And Temari, if you're watching GET DOWN HERE NOW!"

**Good Night!**

**Note: **And so it becomes a series . . . there's no real plot or chance of much character development, but we'll see how things go.


	3. Chapter 3

**Akatsuki Ninja News**

"Good evening, I'm your anchorperson, Deidara . . . yeah. With me, and with too much grease in his hair as usual, Hidan."

"Hi there." Hidan waves nonchalantly.

"Now you may be wondering where those wimpy-ass leaf ninjas went to, the ones who keep feeding you that pointless, worthless, stupid news . . . yeah. Well we've hijacked their signal and now we're going to tell you the real news, the real stories, the real truth! I will not be silenced, I know you all want to know what I know!"

"Actually Deidara, I'll bet they all want to know why you look like a girl. Any secret lifestyle you want to tell us about?"

"Shaddap Hidan!" Deidara snaps, and takes his seat, "Our first story comes from field reporter Zetsu, who is looking into a possible UFO landing in a field near my native Iwa, we go live . . . Zetsu?"

"Seriously Deidara, Itachi thought you were a girl for about a month, I think Tobi still has doubts." Hidan yawns, "Heck _I_ almost asked you out when we first met."

"Now's not the time for you to tell us all about your homosexual tendencies!" Deidara screams as the screen cuts to Zetsu, who looks surprised . . . well half of him does anyway.

"What was that last part about homosexuals? Did Deidara finally come out of the closet? I think it was Kisame, but does anyone know for sure who bet on today in the poll?" Zetsu asked.

"The UFO!" Deidara screams. "Wait, what poll?"

"Never mind. Anyway I'm live out here in the rocky fields of Iwa where an unidentified flying object can be seen landing every night for the past week, who's inside? We don't know. Are they friendly? We don't care. Are we going to beat them up if we can? You bet your ass we will."

"So where is it?" Hidan asks, voice only.

"Where's what?" Zetsu blinks.

"The UFO . . . yeah."

"Oh . . ." Zetsu looks around. "We'll get back to you on that. Back to you Hidan."

"Typical." Hidan sighs. "Okay we go now to weather, how's it look?"

The screen cuts to the unnamed blue-haired member, whose face is obscured as their hair is blown about by the wind, "Slight chance of strong winds!" They scream over the din as thunder cracks and rain begins to pour, "And a slight chance of rain!"

"Uh . . . thank you . . . yeah." Deidara says, eye wide, but he recovers, "Ahem. Anyway in other news our glorious leader has an announcement, we go live to his secret chamber!"

The Akatsuki leader appears, draped in shadow, his outline is all that is distinguishable, he says in a cold hard, evil voice . . . "I like pie!"

The screen cuts to Hidan and Deidara again, "Riveting words, sir." Hidan yawns.

"So . . . anyway we'll go now to Sasori with sports . . . yeah. Sasori?"

"Well since we of Akatsuki aren't allowed to set foot in most villages we can't watch sports, so we make our own games! Today my black cloaked puppets beat the crap out of my blue cloaked puppets, the blue puppets were unavailable for comment, and though the black puppets had nothing to say themselves their joy at having won the battle was evident in their faces." The screen shows the blank dead faces of Saosri's puppets.

"Thank you Sasori-sama . . . gee, does anyone have news that doesn't suck?" Deidara asked.

"Now I kind of know how those wimpy leaf ninjas feel." Hidan nods.

"Well field reporter Itachi has the news from the latest Anime convention . . . yeah . . . Itachi?"

The screen cuts to Itachi, standing in front of a large building and looking bored. "Good evening . . . none of you watching this evening possess enough hatefullness . . ."

"If that's even a word?" Deidara asks.

"I don't know if it is so I'm going to make it a word . . . I'm going to use it until it catches on." Itachi said, "Does my using it fill you with hatefullness?"

"Kinda, now just tell us about the Anime convention." Hidan says.

"Right . . . well I'm here at the Anime convention, and it's ripe with hatefullness. I've been attacked by fifteen different young women, and three of them attempted to rape me. Someone ripped a piece of my jacket off and sold it for five hundred thousand ryo just moments ago, and as I speak to you now I come live from outside of the building because remaining in there is just suicide for a man like me. The hatefullness of that place is too much, also I seem to have lost Kisame in there somewhere . . . he didn't have enough hatefullness to escape that pack of fat girls that wanted to bare his children."

"Th-that's horrible . . . yeah!" Deidara gasps.

"It's hatefullnessfull." Hidan's voice agrees, but he's being sarcastic.

Itachi smirks, "And so it begins to catch on . . . yes now you people in the audience will begin to build your hatefullness up and soon you will be strong enough to escape any pack of fat girls."

Kisame suddenly walks on screen, his clothes are ripped up and one of his eyes is swollen shut. "Oh . . . hi Kisame." Itachi says. "I guess you have enough hatefullness after all."

"You . . . left me . . . to a fate . . . worse than death." Kisame says slowly.

"Yeah . . . but I knew you'd survive if you had enough hatefullness." Itachi shrugged.

Kisame rolls up his sleeve, "As I recall . . . you pointed me out to the crowd . . . and shouted "he's the real Itachi, I'm just a stunt double" then ran . . . like a chicken . . . and I got mobbed."

"Uh . . ." Itachi fishes for a word and finally comes up with "Don't you want to unleash your hatefullness on them and kill everyone in the convention center?"

"Oh . . . I've done that." Kisame says, rolling up his other sleeve, "Now it's your turn."

"Oh c'mon buddy . . . we're partners!" Itachi cries.

Kisame puts his hand over the camera, "Yeah . . . buddies . . ."

There's a whacking sound, Itachi cries out "Ahh! My face! My reasonably beautiful face!"

"Don't run _buddy_!" Kisame shouts and removes his hand from the camera, the camera man films Kisame chasing after Itachi who is running for his life.

He runs into the convention center, a scream of "I thought you said you killed them all! Nnnoooo, fan-girls, AAHHHH! Hatefullness! AAHHHHH! Itachi signing off! GAAHHHH! Please . . . I can't sign any more autographs!"

And the screen comes back to Deidara and Hidan.

"Uh . . . thanks for that, Itachi." Hidan says as the screen returns to him and Deidara. "So . . . what's left?"

"Let's see . . . Kakuzu's financial advice, and then Tobi wanted to give an anti-drug talk . . . and Zetsu needs to update us on that UFO at some point . . . yeah."

"Oh boy, the mere thought fills me with hatefullness." Hidan groans.

"Are you going to start using that word all the time?" Deidara demanded.

"You say "yeah" a lot, so leave me and my "hatefullness" alone." Hidan shrugs.

Deidara scoffs and presses a button, the screen changes to Kakuzu who's asleep in front of a graph showing the rise of profits from investing in news programs.

"Wake him up! Man I wish we had a stick like those leaf ninjas do . . . yeah. Remind me to make Tobi steal their stick!" Deidara cries.

Kakuzu wakes up though and looks around, then goes back to sleep. He groans "Eh . . . I am starving in Konoha, send me giant meat ball. Children, consume your siblings. If my demands are not met by some time I will begin buttering your loved ones . . . some weenies have cheese inside."

"We all know how much Deidara likes eating weenies with cheese inside." Hidan comments.

"Oh screw you, Hidan! Yeah!" Deidara screams.

"No way baby, I'm straight." Hidan says.

"Seriously, you want a piece of me?" Deidara's voice demands, but the screen remains on Kakuzu.

"Now don't be that way . . . you're hatefullness is showing." Hidan says.

"EEEYAAHHH!" Deidara screams, there's the sound of punching and hitting and other such fighting sounds, but the scene remains on the peacefully snoozing Kakuzu.

"Gah! In all your hatefullness you forget to take into consideration the pain of others!" Hidan cries.

"Oh shaddap! Yeah! Take some of this--OUCH! Why you--"

"Ah-ah-ah! Hey man that hurts! That's my arm you little fruit cake, stoppit!"

"Haha, you like that you son of a--ahh-ahh, not the hair! Not the hair!"

"Let's see how you like it when I twist _your_ arm, and by the way, hatefullness, hatefullness, hatefullness!"

"AAHHH! And stop saying that stupid word . . . yea-ah-ah-ah!" Deidara screams, "Fine you want to play rough? I'm game, try some of this!"

Hidan screams, "Hey what are you doing with that?"

"Don't make me use this! I'll do it! Yeah!"

"Okay, okay, don't let your hatefullness get the best of you, man!" Hidan tries but Deidara lets out a blood curdling scream and there's a loud explosion, the screen goes fuzzy for a bit and smoke drifts into the room Kakuzu is in, but he snoozes peacefully all the same.

Until the smoke sets off the anti-fire system, and as he gets soaked Kakuzu finally wakes up.

"Eh? Eh? Uh back to you Hidan!"

The screen comes back to Hidan and Deidara, who both look pretty messed up. Deidara's arm is in a sling, and Hidan has a bandage around his head. The room they're in looks like it's just been through some kind of explosion, and Hidan is drumming his fingers on what's left of the desk in front of them, somehow his hair has escaped undamaged.

"Uh, it has come to my attention that I called Deidara-kun a 'fruit cake' during our little scuffle . . ." Hidan says, looking at a piece of paper that's just been presented to him by one of Sasori's puppets, "We here at Akatsuki do not discriminate against homosexuals and such terms are usually quite forbidden, I apologize to anyone who may have been offended . . . I will never again call Deidara a fruit cake. I'm sorry."

"That's okay." Deidara nods.

"I hope you can forgive me." Hidan continues.

"It didn't even bother me." Deidara pats Hidan on the back.

"And I hope you won't let your hatefullness overwhelm you again." Hidan adds solemnly.

Deidara flinches and then instead of patting Hidan on the back begins to viciously pound on his back, "Die! Just die!"

"Uh-oh . . . more hatefullness." Hidan smirks at the camera.

"Stop saying that!" Deidara screams.

"Uh . . . lets get back to Zetsu with that UFO . . . of hatefullness."

"GAHH!"

"Uh . . . nothing here." Zetsu says.

The screen returns to a fuming Deidara and a smirking Hidan, whose hair is still in perfect shape.

Deidara stacks papers on the desk, and it collapses, the blonde glares at the ruined desk for a moment, then says "All right, Tobi now with the anti-drug report. Tobi?"

Tobi appears and waves enthusiastically at the camera. "Hi! This is Tobi! And also . . . your brain!" Tobi says, holding up a real human brain. "Some time ago Tobi here, well I did a study on the effects of drugs on the brain, here's the video!"

The screen cuts to Tobi's home move. "Got that camera working? Okay just keep it rolling. Kay, now this is your brain." Tobi says, placing a human brain on the kitchen counter. "This is your brain on drugs." Tobi says, then smashes it with a frying pan. "Not a pretty picture." He nods solemnly, "Now follow me."

The camera follows Tobi out of the Akatsuki kitchen into the dining room, "Now you've seen what drugs do to your brain . . . this is what it does to your parents!" He screams, slamming the frying pan into the side of Zetsu's head.

"GAH! When did we become your parents?" Both Zetsu's voices groan in unison.

Tobi waves for the camera to follow him and he goes into the living room where Deidara and Itachi are watching TV.

"This is what it does to your friends!" Tobi cries, banging Itachi in the face, "To your girlfriend!" He says, hitting Deidara on the side of the head.

"We're not friends!" Itachi groans, holding his face.

"I'm not your _girlfriend_!" Deidara complains, ear bleeding.

Tobi grabs Kisame, "To your pet fish!" And bang, right in Kisame's face!

"To your neighbors!" And Hidan gets it too, followed by Kakuzu.

"To complete strangers!" Tobi cries, but the blue haired Akatsuki member is wise to what's going on and jumps out the window instead.

"And to your boss!" Tobi says, and hurls the frying pan at the camera, the Akatsuki leader groans and the camera falls to the ground.

Tobi approaches and picks it up, he holds it up to his masked face, "So drugs are bad . . . m'kay? Any questions?"

The screen cuts back to Deidara and Hidan, both are rubbing their heads at the memory.

"I remember that day . . . man I thought he'd gone nuts . . . yeah." Deidara said.

"I just assumed his hatefullness had come to a boil." Hidan said.

"That's getting really old . . . yeah." Deidara scoffed.

"Heh . . . so . . . his girlfriend eh? How long have you two been going out, Deidara-chan?" Hidan chuckles.

"Shaddap, I never agreed to be in that video, nor did I agree to the role . . . yeah." Deidara groans. "Zetsu, you'd better have something . . . yeah."

The screen cuts to Zetsu, who's back in the field, he says "We may never know where these bright lights come from, or why . . . the UFO has failed to show up tonight. Does this reporter believe there is life . . . out there . . . amongst the stars? Yes he does. Does he believe that it will one day make itself known to him? Perhaps. But until then we may never know what their purpose was, or why they came to this place, yes those lights may never be explained."

A bus pulls up behind Zetsu, there are bright lights inside, the driver says "Hop aboard, I only make this stop once every night."

Zetsu blinks and turns back to the camera, "Uh . . . back to you, Deidara."

Both Deidara and Hidan look annoyed. "What the heck was that?" Hidan demands.

"Nothing! It was nothing! Our biggest story and it was nothing special . . . yeah!" Deidara shouts.

"A bus!" Hidan rants, "Why it makes me feel such hatefullness! Bah! Well anyway ladies, gentlemen . . . whatever the heck Deidara is--"

"Damn it Hidan!"

"Well anyway to all genders and those in-between, this is Hidan signing off."

"Uh . . . yeah. Deidara too, signing off. Hidan you _do_ know I'm a woman, right?"

Hidan smiled blankly, "Really?"

"For all you know, cause you ain't gettin' none o' this boo-tay . . . yeah!" Deidara sneers.

"And have I done anything to make you think I give a damn?" Hidan asks.

"Just checking. Man let's never do this again . . .yeah. Good night Konoha!" Deidara waves, and as the screen goes black you can see Tobi sneaking up behind them with a frying pan.

**Good Night!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Konoha Ninja News**

_**Romantic Special**_

"And so I said to her, I said 'you want some of this, baby?' and she says to me-can you believe it? she says-" Kiba is telling Tenten, who isn't even pretending to listen when the camera man speaks up.

"We're live!"

"We're what? Oh crap!" Kiba cries.

"Yeah. Let's hope Hokage-sama doesn't figure out you're talking about Hinata." Tenten says.

BADA-BADA-BADA! The odd sound of running footsteps in the distance . . .

"What? But I wasn't talking about-" Kiba begins but suddenly Naruto bursts into the room and socks him in the face.

"How dare you proposition my wife!" Naruto cries.

"You did it to Shikamaru's wife." Tenten points out.

"Yeah but its okay because he cant beat me up as bad as I can beat up Kiba." Naruto said.

"If I didn't know you were only joking I'd probably start looking for a home in a village where you aren't Kage. Anyway Kiba-kun wasn't really talking about Hinata-san, I was just joking . . . I didn't think you watched this show."

"I watch EVERY show!" Naruto screams, "I have a clone watching EVERY show, just in case someone mentions me! I love hearing my name mentioned on TV!"

"Uh . . . about our dead anchorman?" Tenten asks.

"Eh? Oh he's fine. Well I'll see you guys later." Naruto says, and leaves.

After he does Kiba gets up, rubbing his jaw, "Thanks for that Tenten. Really love getting hit in the face."

"Sorry. I didn't know he was watching. Good thing I didn't mention how you-"

"No!" Kiba cried, holding his hand over Tenten's mouth, "I don't know what it is, but don't say it! Whatever you're going to say, wait until the commercial!"

"All right . . . I'm sorry-HESLEPTWITHSAKURA!" Tenten cries.

BADA-BADA-BADA! Naruto's rapid footsteps approach!

"My fall back girl too? You die!" Naruto screams, breaking the door down.

"Gah!" Kiba throws himself behind Tenten, who laughs hysterically.

"Oh I'm kidding, kidding. You're so gullible, Hokage-sama, so gullible." Tenten laughs.

Naruto, whose fist is a millimeter away from Kiba's face glares at Tenten, "If you weren't Neji's wife I swear I'd-"

"Oh no he's propositioning me, Neji!" Tenten screams at the camera.

BADA-BADA-BADA

"Slime, Naruto!" Neji screams, breaking through the wall and punching Naruto in the face, which causes Naruto to lurch forward and hit Kiba too.

"Haha, two in one! Oh, I mean 'sorry' Kiba!" Neji says.

"Gah, I wasn't propositioning her!" Naruto says.

"Oh so now you're saying Temari's good enough to sexually harass but Tenten isn't?" Neji demands.

"Pretty much . . . I mean-" Naruto begins but gets hit again, he glares at Neji and says "One more hit and we start discussing how greatly I'll be reducing your pay!"

"You don't pay me anything!" Neji cries.

"Yeah, kinda makes you wonder what I'll be taking away then, doesn't it?"

"Not really."

"Oh you're no fun." Naruto pouts, but he and Neji leave anyway.

"Uh . . . well that was a lovely waste of time." Kiba says, rubbing his jaw. "So Shino, your caption bugs have been pretty quiet . . . Shino?"

"Please Hold . . ." The captions read.

Kiba glowers at Tenten, "I'm letting it go for now . . . but whatever you're on, get help."

"Just a little fun, I swear . . . and it was Ino's idea."

"That fat pig." Kiba scoffs.

BADA-BADA-BADA

Ino bursts into the room and throws herself at Kiba, "I'll scratch your eyes out!"

Tenten stacks some papers on her desk and smiles at the camera, "So anyway, now to Shikamaru with the weather."

The scene changes to Shikamaru with his head down on his desk while his daughter hits him with her fan, and Temari, holding their son complains to him. "So _Neji _showed up and kicked Naruto's butt at the mere thought of him harassing Tenten, but he propositions me on _live _TV and where the heck are you?"

"Meh." Shikamaru grumbles.

"Uh . . . guys can we have some weather?" Tenten asks.

"You want weather, go outside!" Temari snapps.

"Outside!" Her daughter agrees, and whacks Shikamaru really hard on the head.

"Shikamaru . . ." Tenten says, pleadingly.

"You started this you troublesome woman. You and that husband of yours. You'll get no weather from me, now go away!"

"Gah! Camera crew, poke him with the stick! Poke him hard!" Tenten commands.

Shikamaru laughs, "Hah! Turns out our poking stick got stolen last night, you have no power over me!"

"Throw the camera at him!" Tenten cries.

"What?" Shikamaru gasps as the camera suddenly zooms in on his head really, really fast, the lens cracks and everything goes to static when it hits Shikamaru.

The scene returns to Tenten, and Kiba is now pulling himself up into his chair. "Ugh! Ten . . . you're a mean old bi-" Kiba begins but Tenten cuts him off.

"Since you're here Ino, give us your fashion report!" Tenten commands.

"Having kids is out! That means you Temari, you cow!" Ino screams, "Shikamaru should have been mine, I cant believe you stole him from-whoa, wait I don't know where that last part came from!"

BADA-BADA-BADA

The door breaks down again and Temari slams her fan into the small of Ino's back, "Say somethin' else air head!"

"Oh crap it hurts!" Kiba screams when Ino goes flying into him.

Tenten slams her head on the table, "I know I started it! I know I started it!" She groans and lays her head down, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Can we just act like professionals?"

"_No! How dare you suggest it!" _Comes the caption bug response.

"Oh great . . . Shino." Tenten sighs.

"_She says that every night, but with enthusiasm." _The captions decree.

"That Shino . . . he's an enemy of all women! Let's get him Temari!" Ino cries.

"Oh you wish I'd let you off that easy!" Temari cries, kicking Ino in the face.

"_Someone get a ring full of mud for these two buxom blondes!" _Shino's captions read.

Temari pauses, "Well . . . on second thought, this once we'll work together, Ino."

"Mortal enemies working together for the common good!" Ino screams dramatically.

"Oh shut up." Temari scoffs, "I just need someone to act as a club since I don't want to get bug guts all over my fan."

"Bug guts?" Ino squeals as Temari drags her out of the room.

"How did they read the captions in front out our desks when they're fighting behind the desk?" Kiba asks.

Shino's captions read "_Haha, they only _think _they know where I am! In my secret base of evil I can do as I please!_"

faintly from outside you can hear Ino say "Hey Temari-san, he's over here, hiding behind the water cooler!"

The sounds of distant pummeling, and Shino's screams fill the room for a moment, finally there is silence.

Kiba gets into his chair and sighs, "All right. So anyway . . . yeah . . . Chouji?"

"Okay, here's the scoop!" Chouji says, appearing on screen in front of a night club, "The mixed nuts at Izumo and Kotetsu's night club and barbecue grill are of the hook! And I know what you're thinking, two guys, own a night club, no clear desire to date women--"

"They're both married to lovely women, what are you talking about?" Tenten demands.

Chouji pauses. Then throws his microphone down, "Well there you have it, the mystery solved, Izuma and Kotetsu really are straight. Thanks Tenten, thanks a lot."

"What the heck does any of that have to do with food?" Kiba demanded.

"Nothing. Anyway make sure to stop by Asuma's Korean Barbecue, the best barbecue in Konoha . . . and they didn't pay me to spread rumors about Izumo and Kotetsu's night club and grill."

"Chouji if you were a police officer you'd be the most corrupt one there is." Kiba sighs.

"Kiba if I were a police officer you'd never see a donut again for the rest of your life." Chouji says, and the scene switches back to Kiba and Tenten.

"So now sports with Lee." Kiba sighs.

"Wait Kiba, we didn't do our introductions."

"Oh gosh Ten!"

"See? Now everyone thinks my name is Ten! When did I give you permission to shorten it?"

"Fine, whatever. This is Konoha Ninja News, I'm your anchorman Inuzuka Kiba, with me, and lovely as always is Hyuga Tenten!"

"Thank you Kiba, I'm so honored to be here."

"_She said that last night too, in my room._"Shino's bugs say.

"Oh drat, Ino and Temari left some life in him." Tenten sighs.

"Yeah well, you should have known not even death would stop him from ruining your intro."

"You really do bring it upon yourself." The bugs read.

"Fine! Whatever! Get to sports!" Tenten pouts.

"KEYAH! Rock Lee here sports fans, and I have the most fantastic news for you today!"

"Lee our producers say you need to stop reporting things about Gai." Kiba says.

Lee stares at the camera for about ten minutes, then throws a stack of papers over his shoulders, "There go all of my stories!"

"Do you have anything about sports?"

"Well . . . uh . . . lets see . . . something about a bowl that's supposed to be super? No, nobody cares about that. A cup that belongs to someone named Stanley? No, nobody cares about that either . . . hmm . . . all right! Great news sports fans, Hatake Kakashi was beaten today by Ga-uh I mean by a mystery fighter!"

"Darn it Lee do you want to lose your job?" Kiba demands.

"I report the way I want or I don't report!"

"Fine, forget you, you big browed freak!" Kiba screams as the camera comes back to him.

"I think he's a little obsessed with Gai . . ." Tenten grumbles.

"Oh you're just mad because he wouldn't marry you."

"Oh please, I was butt naked and covered in his favorite brand of liquid steroids and he turned me down!" Tenten screamed.

"Was this before or after you were married to Neji? Because I remember Lee didn't start using steroids until a year after you and Neji-"

"Shut up Kiba!" Tenten screams.

Kiba sighs, "Well anyway Sakura . . . you have a story about the duck pond?"

"Yes, thank you Kiba . . . I do have a story about the duck pond, however I would like to note that I am not Naruto's fall back girl."

"Yeah we know." Kiba's voice says reassuringly.

"I am his number freakin' one! You hear me? I am the top dog, I am his main squeeze, I _am_ the one he loves!"

BADA-BADA-BADA

"Eh, what the heck is that?" Sakura demands, then Hinata comes into frame.

"Byakugan!" She screams and goes not so gentle fist on Sakura's butt.

"Ah crap, it hurts! The pain! I haven't even started on the ducks!" Sakura cries.

BADA-BADA-BADA

"Now what?" Sakura groans.

"Stop right there!" Sasuke cries, "How dare you?"

"Oh Sasuke, you've come to save me!" Sakura sighs lovingly.

"Well I guess he's got feelings for her after all." Kiba's voice.

"How sweet." Tenten's voice.

"How dare you, Hinata? You should have known!" Sasuke says, taking up a fighting stance, "That I'd want to be in on this! All this time you've been seeing Naruto? You unforgivable cretin! Now you've had your turn so you hold her and I'll punch!"

"What?" Sakura cries as Hinata holds her hands behind her back.

The camera fades out as Sasuke launches a round house kick at Sakura, it comes back to a very shocked Tenten and Kiba.

"Well . . . maybe Sasuke and Hinata will go easy on her."

"Talk about complicated love triangles . . . or squares . . . uh . . . hexagons?" Tenten asks.

_Well lets see, You, Me, Hana, Sakura, Temari, Ino, Hinata, man I get all the babes!_

"Nobody believes that lie, Shino!" Tenten screams.

"I don't think it matters, Ten." Kiba sighs.

_You just don't care because you don't have anybody! _Shino's bugs accuse.

Kiba sighs, "Well . . . anyway . . . Sai . . . you don't have any romantic problems right? I mean you can report properly right?"

The camera cuts to Sai, in Shikamaru's weather room hitting him with a microphone as Shikamaru's troublesome daughter whacks him with her fan, and his son applauds happily, "Ino was mine! Ino was mine!"

"You can have her, I don't want her!" Shikamaru groans as his head is assaulted.

Kiba sighs, "Fine! Screw you all!"

_He's just mad 'cause he's the only person not getting any. _Shino's bugs say.

"Okay, y'know what Shino? The only reason I don't get mad about you and Hana is because I did _your _sister!"

_That's not cool man . . . and I don't have a sister!_

"Oh right . . ." Kiba sighs.

"Well anyway, this is Hyuga Tenten, signing off . . . sorry about all this folks, I mean it is valentines day and all so-"

"Wait! It's not valentines day!" Kiba cries suddenly.

"Oh . . . well then I guess we all got worked up for nothing. Good to know. Oh this just in, Hokage-sama's wife has left him for . . . Neji?" Tenten screams a blood curdling scream and runs out of the studio.

There is silence, then Kiba laughs wickedly, "Haha! We got the bitch! That'll teach her to play jokes on us!"

_Straight up._

"I just hope Hinata can take her." Kiba says.

There's a brief pause and then . . . "Ahem. I couldn't." Hinata says, suddenly appearing behind Kiba.

Kiba sighs. "This isn't going to hurt too much, is it?"

"You won't feel a thing." Hinata says, cocking a hand gun and pressing it against the back of Kiba's head.

The screen goes black and there's a gun shot, bugs scurry over the screen and Shino's caption reads _Good night Konoha, enjoy the hot mud wrestling show that follows us!_

**Good Night!**


End file.
